3 Years, 5 Months, and 2 Days in the Life of...

First off, I want to give a shout out to Ryan, who dutifully reads this blog and comments on it. A salute of the crutches to you from the World Tour.

Well, for those who have not yet had the pleasure, I want to assure you that Guitar Hero III is indeed just as awesome as you think it could be. But let us recap in chronological order, lest dear reader become perplexed and think he or she wound up in last season's finale of Lost.

So when we last left off, I was waiting for el Older Gordo to arrive, which he did in due course. To show him a Boulder good time, we headed off to the Boulder Beer Company (maker of such brews as Hazed & Infused), where the beer is tasty and the food is not quite as tasty. Cool building, though.

The next day, after EOG got energy from having gone to bet at 8:30pm the previous night, it was off to the mountains. Where? Why? Oh, we shall not worry our small minds with such questions when the universe has grander designs on us.

I have no idea what that means. More importantly, we took the GordoMobile and headed off into the mountains. After a short trip down I-70 where we saw the aftermath of a terrible rollover accident, we headed north on US-40 in the direction of Winter Park. As we climbed the windy road, things got more and more covered in snow...well, it had snowed the previous day. But the plows had been out and the GordoMobile was up to the task.

It was brilliantly sunny but colder than Hillary during the Lewinsky trial (oh no!) The car's thermometer hit 2 degrees at one point. No matter, we had places to drive aimlessly around and deep discussions about the future of Yucca Mountain to have. We made our way up to Granby, whereupon we struck a more northerly course on Route 125. It was at this point that the road got snowier and emptier, while the scenery got more suh-weet. "If we break down out here, we're kind of screwed," EOG noted.

No breakdowns for the GordoMobile. We pulled into Walden (population: not so much), where they have an affinity for moose. Funny story, those moose. Glenn the Power (Forest) Ranger informed me while helping my injured ass off the mountain all those weeks ago that moose were reintroduced into Colorado some years ago, but there is still some debate as to whether those swampgrass munchers were ever native.

Our bellies full but senses of adventure unsatiated, we piled back into the car and headed east. The next 100 miles or so wound through canyon country that would have made more sense in Arizona, but there it was, red rocks and such. And much less snow, which made EOG eager to return to his usual crazy style of driving.

The adventure culminated with a drive past Fort Collins, then it was back down the highway to Boulder. One long trip to REI, one dinner with two Icelanders (they tell me their people are rude), one night in a hotel, and one plane flight the next morning later, and I was in Los Angeles.

Standing at the curb of LAX on my crutches, it was easy for Michelle "Stone Cold" Alig, a college friend, to pick me up in her trusty Saturn. Then it was on to Hermosa Beach to hang with Nicole and her husband Hans, who despite repeated visits still has no earthly idea what my name is. It's okay, though, he came from a foreign country.

We played a lot of Wii that day. Quite a lot. So much that I in fact did develop a bit of a case of Wii tennis elbow. But it's okay -- at least I got something resembling exercise. As I found out, you can play all Wii sports from a sitting position. In the great Wii championship, we came to a tie -- Michelle won bowling and boxing, I won tennis and baseball, and we tied in golf. Next year -- grudge match.

The next day we ate lots of pancakes (What do I have to do to get pancakes around here??? Yo quiero pancakes! Click, click, pancakes!) and played Trivial Pursuit (I rule) before heading to the Alig family household for Christmas Eve dinner with more Jews than Christians. ("If there is a manger here, I am just going to schvitz!") 'Twas excellent, with culinary delights prepared by Mommy Carol Alig and the tall, taciturn, and now engaged Brother Dan Alig.

Having gotten my fair share of that old time religion, it was off to bed and the airport the next day. I was headed to Phoenix, Arizona, the Valley of the Sun. A place where even the rocks try to find shade during the day. But it wasn't all that warm...well, at 55 degrees, this is something resembling winter in the Southwest.

So here I was with el Parentalos, and it was time for another Christmas Dinner. This one was courtesy of Zinc Bistro, a.k.a., the only joint open. We dined with our neighbors the Johnsons, whose family includes two young tykes, Seth and Cole. Mom brought games for them to play, and we quickly discovered that tic-tac-toe is a terrible game. Seriously, no one ever wins. Who invented this idiocy??? ANSWER ME!!!

Okay, I'm calm. Anywho, after dinner the Johnsons invited us over for pie (er, how about a cookie for the freak with a broken leg and nut allergies?) Luckily for Yours Truly, Seth and Cole had Guitar Hero III. A precious item, indeed. And I rocked. It's not an easy game, folks. Bon Scott was right...it IS a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.

Secret weapon, though. I knew a lot of the songs and could pretend to have rhythm. Hooray for growing up in the 90s!

Elsewise, I have been tooling around the greater Scottsdale-Phoenix area and trying to keep el Lego elevated so as to try to speed the healing.

Oh, and I have to exercise it. Remember that? Good fun. Now, adding color, leg lifts, hip rotations, and other things to keep me occupied. Paaaarrrrrty...

A Day in the Life Of...

Finals are over. People have left. Gordo is alone with Das Boot on his leg, a couple Netflix, and, luckily, the infinite wisdom of the Internet.

So what do I do all day? I have no idea. But let's go over what today has been like:

9:30ish am: Get woken up by a phone call from Gaby, who apologizes for falling asleep and not saying goodbye before James and I finish watching Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo at her house. Murmur something incomprehensible in response.

10:30ish am: Get re-woken up by Otro Gordo (older brother Jon), who informs me that when he flies in here tonight he will come straight to my apartment. Murmur something incomprehensible in response.

11:15am: No longer sleeping, just trying to stop the weird pain in my heel. Get a call from el padre, ensuring that I have read emails from him.

11:15-11:45am: Read in bed. Attempt to elevate the sinful leg.

11:45am: Wake up and take care of business. Eat waffles while paging through Outside: Go, potentially the most ridiculous magazine ever written. Notice that it's snowing outside.

12pm: Putter around on the Internet, mostly confined to responding to Facebook messages and browsing the NY Times website.

1pm: Eat a delicious, nutritious lunch consisting of Morningstar buffalo nuggets (almost sort of doesn't taste anything like chicken!) and Polly-O String Cheese (the best part of the pizza!)

1:15pm: Continue looking at that ridiculous magazine. Think that heli-skiing in Nevada's Ruby Mountains would be cool. Try to think of ways to secure the necessary $12,000.

1:30pm: Return to puttering on Internet. Play four simultaneous games of Scrabulous (Scrabble without the trademark) on Facebook.

2pm: Trim beard.

2:15pm: Return to computer. Respond to more messages. Engage in a comparison of internal leg hardware with my friend Taryn's friend Colette. Turns out we both put x-ray pictures up on Facebook. Hers is way more badass.

2:30pm: Read the University of Pennsylvania section on Uncyclopedia. Realize it's slightly amusing but largely incomprehensible.

2:40pm: Due to links on the previous Uncyclopedia page, wind up looking at Chuck Norris Facts. Favorite new one: "Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf with a 12-inch strip of rebar and a sun-dried tomato. He shot a 54."

3:00pm: Think about writing blog.

3:15pm: Poke around more on Facebook.

3:30pm: Write blog.

And now -- ??? Anything can happen fans, anything. Well, except "4pm: Went for a run, played a quick game of pickup basketball."

Progress Update!

Good news -- there's no bad news!

Yesterday was the day for the first post-surgery checkup, unless you include the fact that Dr. V very kindly called me after the surgery to make sure I wasn't in agonizing pain. (Not with all those fun pills you gave me, Doc...)

Ron, who mightily carried me off the mountain after the injury to avoid the World Tour becoming a frozen dessert, was kind enough to pick me up and take me over to the offices of CU Sports Medicine. Imagine this for yourselves, Fans -- the waiting room is adorned with photos of college athletes playing every sport imaginable, from football to tennis and ice hockey.

"So, are all these people former patients?" I hopefully asked the woman at the front desk.

"Oh no, those are just pictures," came the reply.

Hmph.

Well, there was nary a wait before I was invited to hobble back to the exam room. Things were clearly not busy, because shortly after that Sarah the X-ray tech led me back for more doses of tasty radiation. This time was much more comfortable than the last, if for nothing else than that I didn't have to try to hold my legs up while being rolled in a wheelchair completely lacking in footrests.

The pics done, I was back to the exam room and presently got a visit from Dr. V, who is more formally known as Dr. Armando Vidal but maybe sometimes in his weekend softball league gets called "Armsy." I don't actually know this, but I feel free to speculate.

Armsy was pleased to look at my freakish x-rays with the giant screws and humored me as I asked the most frequent questions I got from World Tour fans.

"So, some people want to know, am I going to set off metal detectors?"

"No, definitely not."

Sidebar here, since I currently can't go through a metal detector without using my metal crutches, that's a bit of a moot question.

"Well, some other people are wondering if they can get magnets to stick to my leg."

"No, that's not going to work, either."

Sorry, people. And I was also informed that no, I will not be able to see the screws poking out of my leg, nor will they interfere with my socks.

All this while, the nurse (whose name I did not catch) cut off the bandages around my cast and cut through the padding. Then Dr. V, showing the brute strength required to be an orthopedic surgeon, cracked the plaster wide open like it were, um, something that breaks easily.

Then it was on to getting to know Das Boot, v3. Yes, I have now been in three separate boots and one cast. Party! This particular one involves 27 velcro straps or so and an air bladder that works almost exactly like Reebok Pumps did. Totally took me back to the days when my shoes could distract me for hours. (Not that they had pumps in them, just an aside.)

Dr. V then informed me of my prognosis here on out. In honor of the Clinton administration's ill-fated attempt at drug interdiction in South America, called Plan Colombia, I am going to refer to this schedule as Plan Gordo. And here's what it entails:

Plan Gordo

• Four weeks of non-weight bearing (crip on, cripple!)
• Six weeks of partial weight bearing (using one crutch or -- get this -- A CANE! Snoop, I'm with ya!)
• Out come the screws, courtesy of our good friend Stanley
• Six weeks of no sports that involve "cutting or pivoting"

That last note means no spring ultimate, or as Dr. V refers to it, "bacon for when ski season is over." I'm kind of afraid this might hurt my hippie cred, so it may be time to take up hackey sacking with the high schoolers across the street from me.

But before I get to that point, I've gotta start the unfortunate process of actually moving my happy ankle. Flex it, Armsy says. Make the alphabet with your toes.

Maybe Elmo alphabet tapes will help?

The Glaring Light of Humanity

I could kick this bad world's ass if I could just get on my feet! -- Jon Bon Jovi

It's interesting to see how people react to me in my gimpy state.

It may be that for empathy purposes, Boulder, Colorado is the ideal place to be on crutches. It's certainly not for regular old getting around -- a giant hill on the way to campus and 80 inches of snow every winter don't help matters much.

But many of the people who see me hobbling around are invariably thinking, "Man, I remember how rough that was." I know this because they tell me.

As I hobbled slowly down the steps of a building to get to my exam on Saturday night, a random student saw me and waited to hold the door. "Thanks, I really appreciate it," I said. "Sorry, it'll take me a little while to get all the way down."

"No problem, man," he replied. "I was like that last year, I know how tough it is."

And that's pretty much the theme. From the girl who held the door for me after my journalism class. From someone using a computer next to me in the Business School library. From a lot of people.

Of course, I get everyone's war stories to go with it. Mo, who is in two of my classes, told me how she broke her leg windsurfing while studying abroad in Australia. She also told me how the doctor who was treating her kept the leg in a cast far too long, and it took a friend urging her to go to another doctor to start walking and truly healing it.

Sam Fitch, the director of the Environmental Studies Program I'm in here, told me that many moons ago he managed to pop both knee ligaments while skiing. He got them surgically repaired not too long after doctors actually started doing that type of surgery.

It's interesting to see people try to get out of my way or otherwise wrestle with whether they should do something to help. Some people are just open about it -- "I wish I could do something to help, but I don't think I can," said one woman as I one-foot-and-one-crutched my way down a long flight of stairs.

I thanked her for her consideration. Others seem more awkward, not sure quite what to do. It reminds me of myself, often unsure what to do when I see a blind person or someone in a wheelchair. I know I should get out of the way of the wheelchair and make sure the blind person doesn't step in front of a moving car, but is there a point where I go too far? Is being too helpful to someone whose condition is permanent a potential affront?

People who see me might have that passing thought, but it's certainly a different situation. My condition is temporary. Theoretically, I will regain my full abilities and blend back in with the walking world. Crutches are something many can relate to -- it's not that uncommon to have hurt a leg and needed a pair of these aluminum friends. Besides, in my uncomfortable state I probably need the help.

I do, as I said before, have a great deal of respect for those who make their way through the world with a permanent disability. We might have the Americans with Disabilities Act here (and it's a damn good thing, too) that makes sure we have wheelchair ramps and elevators in new buildings, but that doesn't mean society is all that accomodating. It's meant for the vast majority, for those who can dance foolishly as I used to do.

In Cambodia, I saw land mine victims who made their way around a country with little pavement by using a wooden crutch or a prosthetic leg. We made wheelchairs for them, inexpensive but sturdy affairs with mountain bike tires meant to survive on the country's dirt roads.

When I saw them, they always had smiles on their faces.

99 Problems But a...

Hobbling around on crutches makes life inconvenient. But when, on the weekend before a final and two projects are due my computer stops working, I think, this must be funny. For some reason I have been dealt these cards, and it can be no less than some artful Andy Kaufman-esque humor.

So I will take it that way and wait until Monday, when the repair person will hopefully show up and replace the fan. Then I will rejoice in my ability to returning to that most important of tasks, playing Scrabulous on Facebook. (Please challenge me to a game, I could use the entertainment.)

Luckily, my roommate, who is reading incomprehensible notes about microeconomics, has been kind enough to let me use his computer tonight. Tomorrow I shall get deposited at the fancy new LEED-Gold home of the Business School, where I aim to use a computer lab until my group meeting in the afternoon. (We've already come up with a clever name, MAK'ED Energy Solutions, a play on our initials and a subtle use of sexual suggestion...rhymes with "naked.")

But enough about my trials and tribulations, they are trivial, if I may use another trite word. On to more important things.

As you may know, one of the brilliant innovations of Amazon.com is the idea of letting consumers rate products so others may know whether that really is a good food processor or it fell to pieces within a week.

Amazon, of course, has developed a wide-ranging product catalog, but you can still rate any item. So it is that people have had a field day rating things that probably don't need much commentary...like the Bic pen. The comments range from the ostensibly serious...

"The cap clips into your inside pocket well, but only if you're wearing very thing material." -- M. Greener

...to the poetic...

"I knew a young fellow named Rick
Who was constantly losing his Bic
So he's ordered a box
And secured it with locks
That seems to have done the trick." -- The Glue Man

...to the only-from-the-mind-of-a-Stoner...

"I've noticed that what this pen writes in my diary are the exact same thoughts in my mind. Can the pen be reading my thoughts, I mean, is that possible?" -- O B Vious

...to the remarkably elitist put-down:

"Personally, I can't believe someone would be caught dead with one of these pieces of proletarian rubbish." -- H. Maxwell Harbinger IV

Amuse yourself like I did.

Quotable Quotes

Gordo el Gimpo, back again.

Fans, I thought you might enjoy what is so far the least positive reaction to my injury and surgery:

"You are so gross." -- Tiffany Guarascio, former coworker

Thanks, TG. Way to give it to me straight.

On another note, you know how sometimes snippets of people's conversations that you hear when passing them by often sound hilarious? Well, I've got a good one for you, from one girl to another, overheard while I was standing outside the journalism building on campus:

"Tell me what things an annoying girlfriend would say."

This is just too much of an opportunity to pass up. Fans, let's help this curious young woman with her quest and submit some ideas. Yours truly will get the ball rolling:

"No, I don't think Family Guy is funny."
"Oh, just put your pants back on."
"Why do you like beer so much? I like watermelontinis."
"Journey is so not the greatest falsetto band ever."

Got more? Post suggestions in the comments area or email them directly to the World Tour Webmaster.

On a final but unrelated note, today was my first day trying to navigate in snow. So far, things have not gone disastrously, and at least I know I have a soft landing spot in some places. But I have identified a serious danger -- linoleum. Crutches covered in snow outside turn into useless slippery things on linoleum inside, and I nearly made a very dramatic entrance right in the doorway to my class this morning. But fear not, Gordo has it under control.

Boulder is beautiful in the winter with the mountains covered in snow, and I am truly a snow fan. However, it's supposed to snow an additional 2-4 inches tonight. Tomorrow will be a double adventure.

More thanks, by the way:
-- To Outside Magazine Contributing Editor Florence Williams, for giving me a ride from one building to another so I can continue my higher education.
-- To James the Roommate, who left the warm apartment to drive me to class despite the fact that my crutches knocked over his advent candle last night.
-- To Mari Elise Ewing, who is probably going to have to give me a lot more rides and will have to print out our fascinating report.

Speaking of which, back to it. I'm finding all the demand response programs used by Colorado's utilities. What am I talking about? You'd rather not know, trust me.

Badass X-Rays

Fans, it came and went, and the hero survived scathed. But in a good way.

The surgery was Thursday, as scheduled, and a good time was had by all. It's a curious experience, this whole getting-put-to-sleep-and-cut-up thing. I got to the surgery center courtesy of El Padre y La Madre, and proceeded to do a whole lot of sitting around. Which is similar to what I'd been doing before, but this time I got to do it while wearing a light purple gown.

Luckily for everyone involved, they let me keep my underwear on. I laid on a bed in a waiting area in the surgery center while nurses, including the very nice Cecily, prepped me with aplomb. That meant shaving my leg (nothing to do with the surgery, it's just a common thing in Boulder, you know, all those cyclists), washing it down with disinfectant, and hooking me up to an IV.

Then the fun started. They injected me with something to make me "relax," which actually worked. Whatever it was didn't knock me out, but did quiet my pounding heartbeat and make me less worried. With that coursing through my veins, I was taken down an elevator and into the operating room, where they had nice pictures of branches on the ceiling. Eager to prove that I was neither unconscious nor completely delerious, I told the anesthesiologist to ask me something that I would remember later.

"What's the capital of Costa Rica?"

"Oh, I know that one! San Jose!"

Anesthesiologists must love these semi-lucid moments from their patients.

Pretty much the last thing I remember is sliding myself onto the operating table. Then they put the hi-test in the IV, and that was that. For a visual of what the operation looked like, see the artist's rendering to the left.

I woke at some point (probably a little more than an hour later) in a bed on the opposite side of the room from where I had first waited. Dream and reality meshed briefly until the pain in my leg put me a little closer to Planet Boulder. Another friendly nurse came by to ask about my pain, and the wince on my face was enough to convince her to dump a couple doses of Fentanyl (a.k.a. a kind of morphine -- boo yah!) into my IV.

From then on it was just a matter of clearing my head and reducing pain. I drank ginger ale and ate the surgery center's supply of sesame breadsticks so I could take a percocet, which helped keep the pain down. No, I'm not going to give you any of my pain pills, stop asking.

El Padre y La Madre came over and soon headed off to the bagel store to fetch some appropriate post-surgery food. El Gordo, meanwhile, thought it was time to take advantage of my addled state, so I dopey-dialed the elder Gordo, who was mildly amused at my attempts to be coherent.

Remarkably, I had no real side-effects from the anesthesia and eventually came back into my own in a fairly short time frame. Then I got to see what the Doctor Hath Wrought -- pics of the screws. You can see them for yourself and will probably have the same reaction: "BADASS."
Ignore the bright white on the lower section of the x-ray, that's the flash. But do note that the doctor clearly went to Home Depot, purchased a couple 2-inch tapping screws for 50 cents each (a stainless steal!) and drilled them in as instructed by his copy of Bob Vila's Do-It-Yourself Orthopedics.

Anywho, after an overnight at the posh Boulderado hotel (sporting the oldest and bounciest elevator in town), it was back to El Casa del Gordo to continue the recuperation and writing of the papers (which I am clearly not doing now.) Meanwhile, it has dumped snow here, and there's probably about a buttload or so on the ground. Who knows, I'm not going outside anytime soon.

Thanks again to fans everywhere who sent best wishes or otherwise sought to distract, entertain, or assist me!

Tomorrow Never Dies

Okay, fans, tomorrow is the day for the cutting and the drilling and the screwing. I get to the surgery center around 9am and wait while they do weird things to me, including taking my blood pressure, making me repeat my medical history, and possibly taking my pants.

Luckily for that last circumstance, I am wearing basketball warm-up pants. Yep, the kind that you can rip off directly because they button down the side. So I expect to be de-pantsed with a flourish.

You may also be interested to know that, according to El Surgeon, I have the same injury that Terrell Owens did. El Surgeon has thus assured me that after my surgery, I will be an all-pro wide receiver with an attitude problem. I'll probably carry a Sharpie around in my sock so I can turn in papers and sign them in a fit of overweening arrogance.

Well, I will update you all (er, really Ryan, my most faithful reader) after I become coherent again (or possibly before, which would be way funnier.) I'm still a bit skeptical about this whole "anesthesia" thing, I feel like I might end up puking or hallucinating or something. But we'll see.

Adios,
Gordo

An Ipod Mix for the Doc

Having a surgeon as a father, I know some of the inside story. One of the things that may or may not be well known about surgeons is that they often operate to music and, of course, get to pick the selection. As a music dork, I feel I should help my surgeon by suggesting an iPod party mix he might want to play while putting Black & Decker to work on my ankle. So here goes:

"Cuts Like a Knife" -- Bryan Adams
"Like a Surgeon" -- Wierd Al Yankovic
"Fixing a Hole" -- The Beatles
"Beautifully Broken" -- Gov't Mule
"X-Ray Eyes" -- Guster
"Breakin' Me" -- Johnny Lang
"The Final Cut" -- Pink Floyd
"Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster" -- Ghetto Boyz (I just like the mental image of a surgeon listening to this one.)

On another note, my unconscious mind has a sick sense of humor. Twice, I've had dreams where I'm walking down a sidewalk -- just an ordinary sidewalk on an ordinary day. Then I start to realize that I shouldn't be walking, that my leg isn't capable of it. So I stop, but I realize my leg is fine. About that time I wake up and look down to realize...no dice. Still in the cast.

Gordo's Getting Screwed!

Fans, with a headline like that, you know it's gonna be good. Well, okay, it's actually bad. But I still needed an attention grabber.

So the latest update on the World Tour-turned-stay-put-until-you-are-healed: it's time to get sliced and diced. Yep, the prognosis has gotten worse, and I'm going under the knife like so much tenderloin. (Mmm...tenderloin.)

If you want the medical mumbo jumbo, the deal is that my something-something, which is between the tibia and fibula (leg bones) is a bit displaced, i.e., spread apart. That kind of thing apparently is not so good for someone that still wants to spend the rest of their life running, hiking, skiing, and otherwise engaging in physical foolishness.

Thus the good doctors would like to make a wee cut or two and insert a screw to push the bones back together, then possibly stitch up some damaged ligaments. Fun? I think so. Hopefully that will not result in further displacement of the fracture in the fibula, but if it does, it's time for the World Tour to go bionic with some metal parts.

Of course, the important question is, will this result in badass scars that chicks will dig? Sadly, it sounds like the answer is no. Due to "advancements" in "surgical technologies," this apparently will only require small incisions. Post-op, though, it will require more crutching and physical therapy, which I hope will involve a "Rocky"-type soundtrack.

Though many of you doubtless would like to help, be aware that El Padre y La Madre del Gordo are here in Hippietown to guide me through this enjoyable process. For those who don't know, I am part of a very appropriately outfitted family: my dad is an orthopedic surgeon, my mom is a nurse, and my brother runs a medical products supply company. (Let me know if you need some cheap Depends.)

At the same time, the end of the semester is upon me and I must try to actually pass some classes. So in between World Tour Updates, I have to write papers and such. No worries, I just pull them out of my still-uninjured arse.

I must say that people have been remarkably nice and helpful during this situation, so I am going to increase the size of the People Who Deserve at Least Some Good Karma Coming Their Way list:

-- Dr. Lisa Brone at the CU Health Center, who didn't wiggle the foot too badly
-- Dr. Eric McCarty of CU Sports Medicine, who took a look at me at his house on a Saturday morning and gave the bad news
-- El Padre y La Madre, who are taking care of my quasi-helpless self for the first time since I learned to wipe my own bottom about five, I mean twenty-five, years ago
-- Jeff Sherer, who reconsidered some of his other ideas for entertaining me from afar and instead got me a NetFlix subscription
-- Mike Gerber, my editor
-- Kristen Averyt, who is going to at some point lend me her ridiculously cute dog so I can pull off the ultimate method of getting ladies' attention: crutches AND puppy

Do note, however, that the Gordo World Tour refuses to be kept in one place. This winter will include stops in Scottsdale, Arizona and (hopefully at least just to sit there) Vail, Colorado.

And what better way to celebrate a likely healed leg? BON JOVI, March 31st, Pepsi Center, Denver, Colorado.

On a final note, fans, I want to get serious for a second and say that I have a newfound respect for people who go through life with various disabilities, both temporary and permanent. Having to walk and crutches and rely on the good graces of friends and family reminds me not only how lucky I am to have them around but also shows me how difficult things can be. So a hearty World Tour salute to all the invalids out there -- I see your strength and I give you a fist pound.

At some point I'll try to post some x-rays, but the CD-ROM is on the other side of the room and that's pretty damn far, all things considered.

Grounded in Boulder

Friends, Groupies, Fans, Critics --

Greetings and salutations from Boulder, Colorado, where the mountains are high and the hippies certainly aren't low.

It's been a while, I know, and you've all been starved for more dispatches from the World Tour and all. Well, let's see if I can catch you up really quickly. Left Asia, went to Europe -- Bulgaria, Croatia, Romania, England. Learned that herding sheep is easy but can be intensely boring and that Britain's youth are taking dancing to new lows. Returned to these United States, whereupon the World Tour returned to its most dangerous stop, New Jersey. Luckily, that was a country where I spoke the language and can toss out howyadoon and whatchewtawkinbout with the best of them.

But that's all ancient history now, and the World Tour has moved into a new phase. El Gordo has, as you know, relocated to a new studio in Boulder, Colorado, where you learn what a "Trustafarian" is and why they say "a dog in every Subaru." Seriously, why so many Subarus?

On the way, I have procured a Gordomobile, sometimes also called a Toyota RAV4. This nifty bit of hypocrisy has taken me to exotic locales all over my adopted home state, such as Great Sand Dunes National Park and bustling Nunn (population not so many.)

Nominally I am here to get my Master's in Environmental Studies with a concentration in energy policy. As you well know, of course, I am already a Master, but that is besides the point. In addition to the delightful coursework that goes along with such things, I spent much of my time playing in the mountains of my new backyard, skiing, hiking, mountain biking, and otherwise engaging in general tomfoolery.

Now that tomfoolery is what has turned El Gordo into El Gimpy. Because it was only last week that I was high up in the Indian Peaks Wilderness returning from a hike to the continental divide (Pawnee Pass, el. 12,550'), when I slid on some ice, hit my foot on a rock, and wound up with a seriously impressive story.

To give away the ending, I turned out to have a slight fracture in two places on my right leg. But at the time, all I knew was that the ol' kicker wasn't doing what it should. So with two miles of snow, ice, and rock left to get back to the trailhead, I engaged the help of my trusty hiking partner/lifesaver Ron and took six hours to hike back. Thankfully we were met by the capable Ranger Glen, who aided me through the end of the trail and drove us back to the Gordomobile so I could be taken with all due haste to the fine folks at Boulder Community Hospital.

So yeah, I'm in an Aircast for the next several weeks and hobbling around on crutches in the vain hopes that some pretty girl will feel sympathy for me and decide to become my live-in nurse. Since that hasn't happened, I've relied on the extremely generous support of some good friends here:

Ron "Leaf-Eater" LaCoss
James "You're Going to Graduate and I'm Going to Be An Alcoholic" Meldrum
Mari Elise "Bourbon" Ewing
Gabriella "Spin the Bottle" Stockmayer
Rebecca "Don't Mess with the Prius" Johnson

To them, a hearty thanks. And to all, a good night. Until the World Tour resumes...

Time for Another Continent

Hello again, World Tour fans.

My time in Asia is coming to a close. As I reflect on my experiences here, I think, dammit, won't this bus driver stop honking?

That's actually one of the interesting but somewhat aggravating things about China. Everyone honks incessantly, and yesterday's bus driver was far and away the worst. He blew long blasts at every other vehicle we passed, whether or not they were remotely near us.

In other news, you'll be glad to know my tour here ended last night with a big karaoke session. They know how to do karaoke right here -- we got a big room where all 13 of us could sit, get confused by the Chinese on the buttons, and belt out some tunes. I did the Rick Astley dance, for those who know it.

It's been a great time in China. I believe I left off after telling you about the time in Tiger Leaping Gorge, which was pretty impressive. After that we had a little time to hang out in Zhongdian and ate at a Nepali/Tibetan/Indian restaurant. There, our leader Mill found out that the owner of the restaurant is from the same part of Nepal as her husband. This was apparently very exciting. The rest of us could do little but marvel at Mill's ability to switch freely among Nepali, Chinese, and English (and she also knows French, Spanish, and Korean).

The next day we went to take a hike around Emerald Lake, a high alpine lake located at about 12,000 feet. It was a beautiful, idyllic scene with a few horses roaming around a meadow. Unfortunately, the trail didn't go very far, so we wandered further down the road, looking at the mist-shrouded mountains and valleys. From there we went to a natural hot spring pool which was rather warm but also disturbingly green. The bottom was fuzzy, as we found. It wasn't perhaps the finest of hot spring experiences, but hey.

Our next stop was Dali, a town further south next to enormous Er'hai Lake. The group split up, with some people taking a bus tour around the area and the rest of us commencing yet another hike. After fending off the world's most persistent taxi drivers, we climbed a rather steep slope following the line of a chair lift to a temple at the top of a ridge. From there, we realized that there was a broad, paved ridge walk through the mountains.

It was yet another example of the extraodinary construction projects China is apt to do. This was a smooth, paved path that often clung to sheer cliffs. How they even built it is beyond me, but it made for a spectacular walk in and out of canyons and around the front of peaks.

At one point we hiked up to a series of waterfalls called the Seven Dragon Maidens Ponds. Here, water coursed out smooth, rounded rock features and collected in clear pools. We hiked to the top pool and admired it when Anders, my Danish roommate, started the insanity.

He stripped down to his shorts and plunged into a pool that we all knew was frigid, backing up into the waterfall. After some consideration, almost all of the rest of us stripped to our skivvies and jumped in. The water was so cold it was actually hard to breathe and painful on my legs. But we stayed in long enough to amuse nearby Chinese tourists and get some pictures...you'll have to see these.

After more walking and an aborted attempt to hike down (kind of lost the path), we took the cable car to the bottom and returned to town. After dinner that night (and buying more knock-off outdoor stuff, including a Mountain Hard Wear soft shell and Chinese-made Acme sleeping bag) some of us played the old around-the-world ping-pong at the hotel, then left to make our rounds of Dali's bars.

It was a long night out. Let me advise you not to listen when someone says, "Let's all order a drink you've never heard of," because a Green Hat is disgusting. I think we got back to our rooms around 3:30pm.

Anyway, that brings us back to the present. My next trip is off to Bulgaria. Why Bulgaria? I don't really know. But I will be off to join an ecovolunteer project trying to help save rare breeds of Karachan dogs, sheep, and horses in the remote Pirin mountains. Where do you come up with this stuff? Good question.

A Couple Days Almost in Tibet

Current location: Zhongdian, China, also known as Shangri-La.

I'm on a backpackers' tour with Intrepid travel, a New Zealand-based company known for responsible travel and extensive touring throughout Asia. My tourmates are mostly Brits and Aussies, but our leader is a woman originally from Chicago. Which is good, because otherwise I'd probably be saying that I need to go to the "loo" and that I'm feeling "peckish" if I there weren't another Yank around.

China has been pretty fascinating. We left Kunming and rode for more than eight hours to the city of Lijiang in the far northwest of Yunnan. There we stayed in the old city and roamed around at night, admiring the good views from up high.

The next day my roommate Anders (from Denmark) and I rose at 5am to join our leader Mills for a sunrise hike up Elephant Hill overlooking the city. When we got there we saw the gate was closed, but as numerous other Chinese came in and jumped the fence, we did like the Romans did and walked around the guardhouse to get in. Hiking up, we heard weird yelling -- apparently Chinese like to yell from hilltops. Of course I joined in.

That day we took another bus ride to Qiaoto and met Margo, our local guide through Tiger Leaping Gorge. After a short lunch, we started to hike, and things got steep quickly. The trail wended its way along one side of the gorge and rose precipitously, the whole time giving us more and more views of Jade Dragon Mountain (elevation approx. 18,000 feet) on the far side of the gorge.

It was a spectacular but actually fairly difficult hiking day. We rested for the evening at Tea Horse, a well-appointed guest house along the trail. Naturally, there was plenty of Tsingtao beer to go around.

The next day we had less of a challenge with the hiking, but more distance. Margo again led us, chatting the whole way in her Aussie twang and encouraging her two-month-old dog Baby to keep up with us. At the Halfway House we stopped for apple pie, which was ironic for me given that it was July 4th back in the US. Happy birthday, America.

After reaching our destination, the Tibet Guest House (with no less impressive of a view) and eating lunch, several of us chose to descend all the way down to the river. After a wrong turn through a cornfield, we found the trail but had to pay 5 yuan (about 60 cents) each to a woman who claimed it was her land. Oh well. The trail was ridiculously steep and in desparate need of some more switchbacks, but dropped quickly to the river, where we came upon some serious rapids. At some point enormous chunks of white quartz had tumbled down from the far side of the gorge, creating what were likely Class IV-V rapids. Sweet.

I led the way back up, holding a pace swift enough that we actually ascended in less time than it took to go down. Reaching the top, we found the rest of our group half-drunk at a guest house and playing the game "I never." Later that night the rest of us (with the exception of one reticent Aussie couple) joined in with the help of many Tsingtaos (not even $1 for a double-size bottle!) and found that people were incredibly forthcoming in a situation like this when they probably won't see each other again.

Today was mostly a bus ride to Zhongdian and a trip out to a huge monastery. It looked impressive from afar but upon closer inspection its only interesting feature was a very large Bhudda. Three of us went in a door marked "Ladies Stop" and found it to be monks' quarters. There a man gave us chunks of yak cheese and some other unidentifiable stuff which we nibbled before discreetly getting rid of.

Back in town, I realized that knock-off outdoor gear is incredibly cheap, so I am left to wonder whether I should get a $25 soft shell or fleece. I mean, it's so cheap...for things that would be easily $250 in the US. The quality might be questionable, as I have discovered with my North Face bags.

Until the next Internet time,
Gordo

They Love Adidas Here

Hello, World Tour Fans.

Again, apologies for the relative lack of blogging. In Cambodia my biggest problem was Internet speed, but I was also fairly busy.

Anyway, here's an update on what's going on. Saturday morning I bid farewell to Sophanit and Lulu and Cambodia, the country that had been so friendly for a week. I hopped on a short flight to Bangkok to see the city for a day before moving on.

Bangkok was, to put it mildly, not my favorite destination. It's been described as the New York City of Asia, but I would say it's New York City on crack. Take NYC and add more traffic, more pollution, more street vendors hawking random stuff, more guys bugging you to buy anything, more scams, and legal prostitution. Thus you have Bangkok.

It was too late when I got there to see any real sights, but I did manage to get a glance at the Golden Mount and the Giant Swing, which did not seem to do any swinging-related activities. I then tried the Night Bazaar, which should be billed as the World's Largest Collection of People Selling Things You Don't Need. My quest to replace the rain jacket I lost was getting nowhere there.

My cab back to the hostel ripped me off as it was raining -- he claimed the meter didn't work and that it would cost 200 baht, or about $7. Since I'd just crossed the city for 70 baht, I knew it was a crock and called him on it. He again pretended that the meter didn't work but agreed to charge me 100 baht.

I got out of the cab in the light rain, continuing to marvel that a country where it rains so much doesn't sell a single rain jacket. Out of curiosity, I wandered down the street where I was staying, in the middle of a business district. Brightly lit side alleys seemed interesting until I realized what was there -- brothels, or "clubs" as they called them. Now I was fascinated.

These appeared to be either strip clubs where bikini-clad women gyrated boredly under black lights until a man paid for them or more private places where a few women sat out front. What was most bizarre were the menus, however. If you haven't been to Bangkok, this is one cultural spectacle that will blow you away. The men in front of the brothels hold out English menus listing what women would do if you paid a certain amount. I didn't linger long enough to check any out in detail, but I did notice one: "Pussy in Fish." Any guesses?

I was grateful the next day to climb aboard my Thai Airways flight and move on to China. My destination, Kunming, was surprising. While it was huge and densely populated and polluted, it was also modern and clean and welcoming. The buildings were tidy and traffic was actually orderly. Entire lanes on either side of a major boulevard were dedicated to bikes and scooters only. And the weather was terrific -- warm but not humid, a welcome contrast to Southeast Asia.

I was able to easily find a high-tech rain jacket (made by a Chinese company blatantly copying North Face) for only $25, solving a major problem. The street where my hotel is located is oddly lined with a multitude of sporting goods stores. Apparently, they really, really like tennis and soccer. And Adidas.

Tomorrow, I meet my tour group.

R.I.P.

Rest In Peace: Gordo's Hair, March 13, 2007 - June 26, 2007

Yes, it's true, I've cut the famous shaggy curly mess. Why? Partly because it was so cheap. $2! Yes, two whole dollars got me a haircut, a shave, and a face and ear massage. That last part was strange and unexpected, but apparently a normal part of the haircut experience here.

I also got it because I felt I had enough confirmation that my hair would not become fun and entertaining but would instead continue in its pattern of being quasi-curly. Straight hair would have been good, but not what I had.

So I'm back to the short and straight. Very short, in fact. I might have gone shorter, but I was having a hard enough time communicating with the barber as it was.

In other fun news, I got a new North Face computer messenger bag here for $9. What fun!

Yesterday, we also built our first two wheelchairs, visited the Krousar Thmey orphanage for street children (pictured), and taught some more English.

Temples, Temples

Angkor Wat is only the largest and most recognizable of an enormous temple complex scattered around the town of Siem Reap, where I am now. The temples date from as far back as the 9th century, when they were built by rulers of the mighty Angkor empire, whose sovereignty centered in Cambodia but covered most of modern Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Burma, and other parts of Southeast Asia.

The Angkor empire was originally Hindu, and thus many of the temples are decorated with statues of Hindu gods or bas-reliefs of famous battle scenes from sacred Hindu texts. Over the centuries, the official religion of the empire shifted back and forth from Hindu to Bhuddist (at present the country is officially Theravadin Bhuddist.)

The temples thus also contain several Bhudda statues in addition to the Hindu relics. But above all, they remind us of an empire with tremendous power and resources, with the ability to mobilize huge numbers of slaves and other workers to build these massive temples.

Angkor Wat in particular is three levels with five towers looming over the landscape. You walk down a long stone bridge to cross a moat and enter through a gate in a long stone wall before getting to the actual temple itself.

Like all the temples, Angkor Wat shows its age. Centuries of the moist tropical climate have worn down the stones and turned them brown, while storms and thieves have taken their toll on many of the sculptures.

Yet you still cannot help but be awed by the magnificent scale of the buildings. Inside, it is clear that the numerous corridors were intended for little more than religious worship and the grey stone is only broken up by the bright orange sashes adorning many of the Bhudda statues where Khmer still come in respect.

We spent several hours there, first in the hot sun, then in the drenching rain that comes at least once per day here. Later we headed back to the hotel to rest briefly before going to dinner at the Dead Fish Cafe, a hilarious restaurant catering to tourists who appreciate its combination of cheeky decorations and American 80s music but never fail to visit the live alligator pit in the back.

That night I passed out early and woke up at some ridiculous hour of the morning. I didn't bother checking my watch but flipped on the TV and found that I could watch the Yankees-Giants game live and in English -- it was Sunday morning here, but Saturday afternoon in San Francisco. Giants won, 6-5, in 13 innings.

That morning I enjoyed the hotel breakfast and we gathered again for more temple viewing. That day's tour involved complexes that were significantly smaller, but no less impressive, than Angkor Wat. On the itinerary was Ta Prohm, the temple famous for being used in scenes from both Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

The real doom for that temple, though, were the tall trees literally growing on the walls and, in many cases, pulling them down. A recent US-funded project had helped stabilize much of Ta Prohm, but nature seemed adamant about returning the stones from whence they came.

Inside one of the temples, Sophanit had us sit in front of a fortune teller who seemed to base his divination on the proportions of your right arm. He told Lulu she was in her first of five years of good luck and that she would be a millionaire.

I, apparently, blew all of this out of the water. In rapid-fire Khmer, the fortune teller laughed to Sophanit that I simply had too much good luck. He measured the distance from a mole on my wrist to my fingertips, then pointed his stick at my crotch, indicating something about my desirability to women. Jeez, dude, could you be a little more discreet?

He also measured out pieces of a stick using my fingertips and ascertained that I would be a billionaire. Well, in riel (4000 to 1 exchange rate), I already am.

Back in town, we showered up for what was to be a real treat -- a chance to attend a Cambodian wedding. Lulu and I were both extremely apprehensive about the notion of crashing a wedding (Owen Wilson, eat your heart out), but Sophanit insisted that the groom was her friend and that it would be no problem.

So it was that, dressed in my World Tour finest (goofy orange collared North Face shirt, convertible pants, and Tevas) I walked with Lulu and Sophanit (who were dressed quite nicely, I should add) and Sophanit's MBA classmates into the open-air wedding pavilion.

None of the family members or wedding party who greeted us on the way in looked at us strangely, though. The bride handed us all nicely wrapped packs of gum (seriously) and we sat down at a table stocked with drinks.

There did not seem to be any formal proceedings to the reception. We drank (one of Sophanit's friends served liberal portions from a bottle of Johnnie Walker) and ate from a variety of tasty dishes that were laid in front of us at random times. Rather than sticking around waiting for it to end, we put money in envelopes as gifts, took a picture with the bride and groom (who the hell is that white guy?) and left.

The sunlight in the tropics threw me off -- it was pitch black but not yet 7:30. Back at the hotel, though, I passed out again and woke up way too early.

Blogger in Japanese?

Okay, I could deal with Spanish. But trying to read the instructions for Blogger in Japanese is a whole new kind of crazy.

I'm not sure why it's in Japanese -- if anything, I'd expect it to be in Thai. Thailand kind of dominates Southeast Asia -- most flights are routed through Bangkok, which is largely the economic hub of the region.

My time in Bangkok was brief this time around. After 18 hours of flying on a Thursday and Friday that blurred into one confused day on three different planes, I got into Bangkok around 11pm, passed through passport control, and attempted to find my hotel.

The only hitch was that my taxi driver couldn't read English and had to consult with others to figure out what my reservation said. But that obstacle cleared, I went off to my airport hotel which was surprisingly nice for $24 per night. They even gave me a free ride to the airport, which I saw in all its glory during the daytime.

Bangkok's new airport is only a year old but is essentially an incredible high-end mall encased in glass. Everything is in both Thai and English, and everything is pretty expensive. The city is pretty overrun with tourists from Europe and the US alike, mostly wealthy tourists who like to shop for expensive things you can get anywhere else.

But I was off to Cambodia, which I got to courtesy of an overpriced ticket on Bangkok Airways. We landed in Siem Reap, the gateway to the impressive Angkor temples, at 9am. My first element of confusion was when I went to the ATM. I expected to do what I did in most foreign countries -- take out money in the local currency. Instead, the machine spit out $200 US, which I then changed into a ridiculously thick stack of riel, the local currency. Had I known every transaction here could be done in dollars, I wouldn't have bothered.

I went to get a taxi to the hotel as I had been told by the woman from Globe Aware, the volunteer organization I'm working with, but immediately after paying I noticed a man with a sign reading "Welcome Eric Samuel." While the use of my middle name was odd, I doubted that there was anyone else with that combination on my flight, so after some confusing back-and-forth, I got in the car with the driver.

He took me to our small but spacious guest house, the Reatry Angkor Villa. There I met Sophanit, our guide for the week, and Lulu, my fellow volunteer. We went over the week's agenda, which included tours of the Angkor temples, building wheelchairs, and teaching English. I felt fairly competent doing those things.

We then took a quick tour of the city of Siem Reap ("Victory over the Thai") and settled down for some Khmer (Cambodian) cooking for lunch at a tourist-filled restaurant. Khmer food closely resembles Thai, but often with less spice. As a fan of all Asian cuisines, I was happy.

After lunch, we got back in the car with my friend the driver, whose name turned out to be Ahn, and headed to go see mighty Angkor Wat. (TO BE CONTINUED; I NEED A SHOWER. BADLY.)

Boulder, Episode 2

Okay, you've all been dying for a picture, I know. Spruce up this dreary prose, o bard of the travels.

This is a view of Longs Peak, one of Colorado's famous "Fourteeners," the mountains in the state that top 14,000 feet in elevation. The snow up there normally lasts until mid-July, and the first snowstorms of the next start to hit the mountains again in September.

The picture was taken from the top of Estes Cone, elevation 11,006 feet. Jon (the elder of the Brothers Gordo) and I joined Jimmy (the guy from my CU program who I've been staying with) in a six-and-a-half mile hike to the top of this rock formation on the eastern edge of Rocky Mountain National Park. Later we drove through the park on Trail Ridge Road, the highest continuous paved road in the United States.

So you all know, this has been a productive trip. I have secured both a Gordomobile (yes, for the first time in history, Gordo has a car all of his own) and a new Casa de Gordo. So I'm set when I get back here.

Catching Up

World Tour Fans --

Apologies again for the slacking in my postings here. I hope you all appreciate the new features on the blog, though. Nothing makes it better than statistics, I tell you. And I think I'm going to be disturbed by the number of places I'll end up sleeping in this summer.

I should let you know the epilogue to the Argentina tour.

I visited Iguazu Falls, an impressive display of nature's power and sheer tourist numbers. No matter how choked it was with people, however, there are few sights that cause me to gasp audibly, but Iguazu Falls' Garganta del Diablo (Devil's Throat) certainly had that effect.

This is what looking at oblivion is like, I thought.

Untold quantities of water poured from three sides into a boiling cauldron below, giving off so much mist that it actually created a cloud overhead. There was nothingness at the bottom, just brown water pouring off into a great white expanse. And water everywhere, soaking me when I waited too long to take pictures.

The rest of the falls was pedestrian in comparison, but impressive nonetheless. The park there includes metal walkways that let you stride over the top of massive waterfalls or walk right up to the base of them for a good soaking. And rainbows were omnipresent, making photography practically a joke.

I only spent about four hours at the park seeing the falls and taking a short, pointless hike in the jungle. A cab outside the park entrance took me to the tiny Cataratas de Iguazu International Airport. The cabbie and I had a second-Spanish-class-ever-conversation:

"Where are you from?"

"United States?"

"Did you like the falls?"

"Yes. Very beautiful."

"Have you been to Patagonia?"

"No...um, I want to go to Patagonia."

"Oh, next time."

"Yes. Need much time."

I'm so good.

Spanglish -- and forgetting to write Jessie's address down properly -- got the cabbie in Buenos Aires mad at me, and it was all I could do to convince him that we were on the wrong street and he should not throw me out of the cab in annoyance.

That night, Jessie and I went to Claudio and Paula's apartment to learn how to make empanadas. I did some of that but focused more on eating various types of chorizo (sausage) and drinking glass after glass of wine. I did learn an incredible amount about Argentine politics from a long conversation with Paula -- there is apparently still a great deal of dissatisfaction with the government, and class issues are much more obvious than they are in the U.S.

Their friend Antonio, a very short man who works in his family's restaurant, also told me something interesting about the origins of the word boludo. This little gem of the Argentine lexicon is a bit tough to translate -- it seems to be somewhere between "asshole" and "dude," but is often used by guys greeting their friends.

Apparently, the word comes from the revolutionary struggles. The revolutionary fighters stuck the black slaves at the front lines and had them throw big stones at the Spanish -- thus the literal translation of boludo, "big balls." Given that the Spanish were armed with guns, the slaves were little more than human shields. This tragedy is apparently one of the reasons why Argentina has such a small black population.

Back in the good old US of A, I spent several nights on Ben's couch in Adams Morgan, where I was fortunate enough to be sent off with a good party at Childe Harold. Two things I learned at that party:

1. Journey still rules, and likely always will.
2. The Russia House is really creepy. Don't go there.

Five days later, I was off to Boulder, where I am now, getting to know my future home. The weather is beautiful -- hot and sunny during the day, cool at night. I think I've found an apartment/place for ski friends to come and visit. Things are going well.

Argentina.9: First Blood

Sunday dawned clear and warmer. I woke early to take care of my travel plans, and managed to book a flight to Buenos Aires on LAN, the Chilean airline.

I arranged to meet Jessie Tuesday evening back at her apartment and said goodbye to Chris, our new good friend. He was staying in Salta for another day before pressing on into Bolivia as part of a South American tour that was to end up in Colombia. We exchanged email addresses and I told him I would drop him a line if I ever wound up taking my long-desired Southern road trip and he wound up at the University of Mississippi for law school.

I walked to the bus station and tried to figure out where my bus would come. There was no handy overhead board as there had been in Buenos Aires, so I stood along the edge of the platforms and waited. I noticed a number of foreign-looking backpackers and listened carefully to see if any might be speaking English.

I finally decided the couple closest to me must be speaking English, so I inquired carefully. "You guys speak English?"

"Yeah," the guy replied.

"Waiting for the bus to Iguazu, I suppose?"

"Yeah, trying to find out where it's going to come." Good, now I had partners in confusion.

It turned out to be no problem, as the Flecha Bus marked "Tucaman" pulled up right in front of us. We loaded, and it turned out that my English-speaking companions were sitting right across from me. They were from London, it turned out, on their way south after several months of travel starting in Brazil.

A scruffy-looking man boarded and turned to me. "Is that your seat?" he inquired in English.

"Yeah, let me get my stuff out of your way." It turned out I was surrounded on all sides by Londoners in the midst of mega-backpacking vacations. My two weeks' of travel here paled in comparison to my seatmate, who was nearing the end of seven months.

As the bus coursed its way out of Salta and through the foothills, the Londoners discussed their homeland in a rapid-fire conversation that involved a lot of -bridges and -shires. The guy from the couple, Elliot and Abby as it turned out, related with delight the story of a particular village fair where "you've got these three grannies lined up. And at the same time they reach down and pick up a piece of fruit, and if all three hold up the same piece of fruit, you win a prize."

"It's a granny slot machine?" I laughed.

As the ride continued, my British friends were treated to some of the finest cinema my homeland had to offer. Actually, it was a parade of reasons why I was a bit embarassed for my country.

We started off with Failure to Launch, a Matthew McConaughay-Sarah Jessica Parker romantic comedy about a woman hired by parents who want their thirty-something children to move out already. The movie selection was ironic, given that a large number of Argentines live with their parents until they get married -- the peso crash makes it difficult to afford a place by yourself as a young person.

"Do they really have services like that in the US?" Abby asked me.

The next movie started promptly, and we groaned in unison as Wesley Snipes' name flashed on the screen. It was The Detonator, another Hollywood mistake.

We changed buses in Tucaman, and the movie parade continued. This time it was First Blood, Sylvester Stallone's emotional portrayal of the difficulties an ex-Green Beret Vietnam Vet has dealing with civilian life. Things come to a head when he is taken in by an unnecessarily hostile small-town sherriff. Stallone's only real words of the movie come at the end, when he breaks down and babbles incoherenly. Touching.

Night fell, and I turned to reading my book. Outside, things seemed a bit surreal as the bus turned up a strip of pavement wide enough for one car but used in both directions. Cars repeatedly had to pull onto the dirt on the side, kicking up huge clouds of dust that obscured our vision and created an odd brown nighttime fog. I finally pulled my hat over my head and fell asleep.

I woke the next day to a netherworld of broad, fog-covered plains. The mist was so thick that at one point the police were standing in the middle of the road, waving at people to slow down. We finally pulled into the first big stop on our journey, the town of Posadas. I stepped off the bus into a chilly fog, glad to stretch my legs for the first time in more than 20 hours.

Back on the bus, we watched Al Pacino in 88 Minutes, which was at least a good movie if a bit disturbing. As the film ended, I chatted with Abby and Elliot about finding a hostel -- I had already reserved a dorm bed at Timbo Posada, just down the street from the bus station.

The conversation turned to a discussion of how foreign tourists were treated in South America. "All over Ecuador and Bolivia, all the locals would walk down the street, shouting, gringo, gringo!" Elliot said.

"I haven't heard that yet here," I replied, "but I did see graffiti in Salta that said 'Yankees go home.'"

"Don't take it personally," Elliot laughed.

"I don't. Really, they hate you guys a lot more than me."

"I know. We were warned not to mention --" he lowered his voice "-- the Falklands."

The Falkland Islands War is effectively Argentina's only international military conflict since their independence. In 1982, the military government here, seeking to bolster their popularity with an increasingly discontented public, invaded the Falkland Islands (Argentines call them the Malvinas), which were under British control.

These rather uninteresting pieces of rock east of Tierra del Fuego became the site of nearly three months of battle as British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher responded with force, repelling the poorly-equipped Argentines in short order. The embarassing defeat was effectively the end of the military junta.

"Well, when we're asked, we're just going to say we're Aussies," Abby said.

"Yeah, and I'm Canadian," I replied. "Anyone want a Molson, eh?"

We pulled into the town of Puerto Iguazu, where the weather was nearly perfect -- about 70 degrees and sunny. Abby and Elliot tagged along with me to my hostel, but said their goodbyes when they realized there were no private rooms available.

I used my awful Spanish to get settled into my bunk, then set out to satisfy an unfulfilled quest -- to eat choripan, a common sausage sandwich. Half an hour of fruitless searching later, I wound up at a restaurant without a written menu. Oops.

Again, my Spanish did not help me much, and after ordering I wound up with a hamburger topped with cheese, egg, and ham (come on, people!) and a beer that was far too big for lunch. I finished quickly, though, and set off to find the post office to send some postcards.

The post office was closed for siesta, so I wandered down to the river. A sign there indicated various activities in Spanish and English, including some spectacular Engrish. "Deportive Fishing," the sign read. Shit, one lousy fishing trip and you find yourself kicked out of the country.

Argentina.8: Humahuaca

The next morning did not start off promising. "I feel terrible," Jessie informed me as she returned from the bathroom.

She did look pale and wan, but we had little time to figure out what to do. The van arrived just as the hostel manager came back to check on us. "Necessitos un medico?"

"No, no, no," Jessie replied in Spanish. "I just don't feel good." I could hear Chris out front, trying to explain in his halting, American-accented Spanish that one of our number was sick and we needed a few minutes.

"They're going to pick some other people up and come back," he reported.

Jessie disappeared into the bathroom again as I waited nervously. I had no idea how to judge how sick she might be and whether it was a good idea to leave her alone at the hostel.

Minutes later she returned, though, seeming much perkier. "Okay, I'm coming," she announced. I expressed my surprise but was relieved that we wouldn't have to leave anyone behind.

The van arrived soon after, and we climbed aboard, recognizing a few of the Argentines from the previous day. We climbed into the back row and were greeted by Jim, a middle-aged, balding American. It turned out he was living in Buenos Aires for a few months and had taken a vacation in Salta.

The van made more stops, picking up two young Frenchmen and two young girls whom I first assumed were Brazilian. I was relieved that we would finally be accompanied by people close to our own age.

As we had the previous two days, the van wound through the jungle and into a desert canyon. This was the famous Humahuaca gorge, a preserved timeline of indigenous Andean culture. Town names along the route were named for various tribes of the formerly massive Humahuaca nation. As I learned later from Lonely Planet, ruins here were mostly of small settlements, not the extraordinary architecture found farther north in places like Peru. The pre-colonial tribes of northern Argentina were largely nomadic peoples.

Along the road lay a railroad line, clearly in disrepair. Eugenia, our guide again, pointed out the state of the railways and mentioned that they had been privatized in the 1990s by former President Carlos Menem. It was apparently bad luck to mention his name, as he is blamed for policies that led to the economic crisis of 2001 and 2002. Shockingly, though, Menem came back from exile in Chile and recently won a seat in a provincial legislature. He is considered a possible prospect for a 2007 presidential challenge to incumbent Nelson Kirchner. Such a move seems incomprehensible -- unless you've followed the career of former DC mayor Marion Barry.

Back in the van, Jim chatted up both the Israeli girls and the three of us. He was one of those people who could, and did, talk to anyone in any situation. That behavior usually made me suspicious -- or jealous -- but it was impossible to dislike Jim. He was exuberant and gregarious, with the vitality of someone half his age. Even as he videotaped most of the trip to make a home movie for his wife and daughter in Illinois, he talked about his frequent all-night visits to Buenos Aires' famous clubs.

Our other companions in the back of the van turned out to be two 22-year-old Israeli girls, Reut and Liora. They spoke fairly good English, but their accents made it a bit tough to understand them. Like many Israelis, they had finished their service with the IDF (Israeli Army) and were traveling for several months before moving on to attend a university.

I talked briefly with Liora as we walked out to get a closer look at the Colla Skirt, a red butte topped with yellow that looked remarkably like a skirt commonly worn by Quechua women. The girls were from outside Tel Aviv, it turned out. Liora herself was Russian by birth, but her family emigrated to Israel when she was five years old.

Early in the afternoon, we finally reached the end of the canyon at the town of Humahuaca. 9000 people, mostly of aboriginal descent, live there trying to farm in the desert and cater to the hordes of tourists coming through the gorge. They are generally poor and need jobs, so Eugenia explained to us that a young man would guide us through his town as a way of making a little money.

Stepping off the bus in the main square, we were immediately surrounded by a number of townspeople trying to sell us things. One old woman in traditional dress with a baby strapped to her back offered to let us take her picture for one peso. We eschewed that opportunity, but Chris bought a small bag of coca leaves from her to help us relieve our altitude headaches. It turned out that virtually everyone in the town, even little boys who ran around us, was selling coca leaves.

Coca leaves are technically illegal in Argentina (though not in neighboring Bolivia), but in the Andes the police ignore all but the largest sellers of the leaf. I took a small amount from Chris' bag, stuffed it in my cheek, and soon felt my headache start to subside.

Our fellow foreign travelers came up to us with interest. "What is that?" Reut asked.

Chris and I alternated in telling them about coca leaves, relating the entire story we had heard from Eugenia. "You will see big pink elephants," I added for effect, drawing a laugh from the Israeli girls. My mouth started to go numb, and I explained that coca leaves contained an analgesic, similar to novicaine.

As we entered a restaurant for lunch, I could not resist trying out my rusty French on a member of our group. "Vous etes francaises?" I asked the one, who looked to be about 30 and had a stubbly red beard.

"Yes, and where are you from?" he replied in fluent, if accented English.

"Je suis american," I replied, trying to push on in French. "Vous etes d'ou?"

I didn't get much further than that before we sat down to lunch. There was goat on the menu -- this time in stew form -- but I could not resist trying a new animal, in this case llama.

The Israeli girls struggled to decide what to eat, jabbered across me in rapid Hebrew. "Do they have something that is just cow?" Liora asked Jessie.

She tried to order a regular beef steak, but it came out as llama anyway. I didn't seem much of a difference between the two. Llama was tasty, but nowhere near the delight of the previous day's goat.

Dessert provided the day's real entertainment. I recognized what the waiter had on his tray from the previous day's lunch, but this time the odd concotion was offered without nuts on top, so I eagerly grabbed a small plate.

On it was a rectangular white slab and a pile of dark orange jelly. The white slab, it turned out, was goat cheese -- a sweet cheese, without the sharpness of the more familiar feta. The jelly was called cayote, made from a regional fruit. Piled together, it actually made for a delectable, if unusual, treat.

To my left, Liora was not having the same joy of culinary discovery. She poked at the dessert, then sampled a small piece of the goat cheese. "It tastes like the llama smells!" she cried.

We burst into laughter. "It smells like the zoo!" she continued. Jim, to his credit, offered her the ice cream he had ordered, but she seemed to have lost her appetite.

Leaving the restaurant, we wandered further around town as our group dispersed a bit. I continued my quest to practice French with my new friend, who was stereotypically named Pierre. He complimented my ability, but I felt tounge-tied as I strained to remember vocabulary and tenses and to avoid the newfound reflex of speaking Spanish. It turned into a hilarious amalgamation of the three languages, where I tried to speak in French, turned in desparation to English, then constantly interjected with a wholly unnecessary "Si!"

On the return, we stopped to take pictures of a dramatic montain referred to as the Painter's Palatte. Here a remarkably symmetrical set of ridges were striped in yellows and reds, stretching across the far side of the canyon.

Young girls greeted us as we left the bus, handing us odd necklaces with scraps of paper. The English-speaking portion of the bus stood around in confusion, thinking we were somehow buying something. "No, no," Eugenia explained. "They give you this gift with their address so you can send them things you don't need." Poverty, it seems, ran the length of the gorge.

Jessie mused that she would likely send them the things she would otherwise throw out from her move out of Buenos Aires.

Back in Salta, it was my mission to get a hold of Aerolineas Argentinas, the national airline. I had decided earlier to take a solo bus journey to see the mighty Iguazu falls in the northeast, but needed a flight back to Buenos Aires. Aerolineas allowed me to make a reservation online, but not to pay for it -- and the reservation expired in 24 hours, when I would be on the bus.

I tried twice to connect with them, each time being put on hold for an inordinate amount of time. Finally, after waiting more than half an hour with no signal that anyone would be helping me, I hung up in irritation and walked with Jessie back to the center of town, where we met up with the rest of our English-speaking bus crew.

It was clear after a short time that the Israeli girls, especially Reut, were looking for something in particular, as opposed to the rest of us, who would have been content with a plate of empanadas and some beers. So it was that we found ourselves marching all over town, looking for some place that was, in Reut's words, "like a pub."

She brazenly walked up to locals and asked them in Spanish if they knew where such a place would be. I could only imagine what she was saying to describe her goal. We set off walking for several blocks, with Jim joking the whole way that we were on a wild goose chase.

He explained to us another curious Argentine custom. Rather than honestly saying "I don't know," in response to a request for information, most Argentines will make up an answer. It's not malicious, they just think it rude to give no information. So a lost gringo asking for directions may find plenty of help, but not necessarily his hotel.

After walking several blocks more, we finally found a dark and promising-looking bar. This was enough for the girls, and we entered. Inside, things were remarkably strange. Though it was already 10pm, the bar was empty -- Argentines are worse than Europeans and don't go out as early as this.

What was even more striking was that while the bar was dimly lit and candles flickered on each table, giant TV projectors were playing Queen videos on the wall. It made for a rather confounding experience overall.

We settled down to eat as the video switched to a DVD of Madonna's confessions tour, which is quite a visual spectacle. I perused the menu -- no tamales, mostly pizza and sandwiches. After my previous experience in Buenos Aires with pizza, I had no desire to take that route and instead explored other options. It seemed like all the sandwiches involved beef. Beef, beef everywhere -- it was impossible to escape in this country.

I ordered a lomito completo, which was more of a heart attack that I could have imagined. Pieces of steak smothered in cheese were topped by tomatoes, a piece of ham, and a fried egg and wedged between two thin pieces of bread. It was good, but I could only imagine my heart revolting soon.

We washed the food down with copious quantities of beer as the music continued to change. I openly performed, to the delight of the table, as Guns 'n Roses played. Jessie explained my legendary karaoke prowess, and Jim got up to request that the DJ play Journey. He apparently said yes, but we instead had to settle for Eric Clapton.

Later, however, an AC/DC video came on, and we recalled that it really is a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.

It's a long way to the top for a woman in Argentina as well, apparently. "Women here are really mistreated," Jim explained. "They asked me who should get a certain position and I gave them the name of this woman, but they specifically chose someone else. Why ask my opinion? They just say, Jim, you don't understand. I said yeah, I don't!"

Lonely Planet confirmed Jim's assessment, though the book pointed out that Argentina's legislature is 40% female, far higher than the 15% or so in the United States or many other Western countries.

We hadn't gotten barracho as originally planned, but we were all tired from the day. Only Jim suggested finding a club to dance, but the rest of us, less than half his age, shook our heads sadly.

Walking back to the hostel at 1am, we noticed that the Argentines were only starting to sit down to dinner.

Argentina.7:La Cabra

Up in Salta, June started just as cold and unforgiving as May had ended. Damn, I thought as I scrambled to get ready for another tour, I wish this country had proper head.

I crammed down another breakfast of medilunas y cafe and got ready just as the guide for our new tour popped his head into our hostel lobby. He came in and chatted with Jessie and Chris in Spanish. "We owe him another 10 pesos," Chris explained. I handed over a bill -- we had realized last night that they had undercharged us but weren't about to mention anything. Turns out they actually check things.

This time we were in a larger bus, filled nearly to the brim with more middle-aged Argentines. Our guide was Claudio, and he went through much the same routine as Eugenia had the same day. He didn't proffer much English, though, and Jessie had to prod him because I was the one in the van who understood virtually no Spanish. Oh well.

We cruised through the Lerma Valley, passing the Western Mountains shrouded in fog. Mist hung in every fold and crevice of the mountains as Claudio explained to us the various sections of jungle we would pass through. Here in the wettest part, the clouds hanging over the humid jungle actually created horizontal rain, ensuring dense vegitation grew below 1500 meters.

The road wound along the side of a canyon, eventually coming to an old iron and wood bridge where we stopped for pictures of the green mountains on either side. Ascending higher, we again passed that point where jungle abruptly thins and turns almost to desert. Claudio explained the coca story, but by now we were experts.

The head of the canyon opened wider to a beautiful valley surrounded by red rock cliffs. Climbing higher, we entered the territory of los cardones and again marveled at the dramatic colors painted on the rocks around us. Unlike the previous day's trip, this time the land was less barren, and it seemed like we were driving through a green-carpeted Grand Canyon.

High up to our left, Claudio pointed out that the canyon rim was prime territory for the Andean condor. We all strained to look, and one of the middle-aged Argentine men spotted one, though it took me a while to understand where it was given that I couldn't understand what he was saying. Just above the rim, though, a bird hung in the air. It didn't look particularly large, but the Andean condor is the largest bird in the Western hemisphere and boasts a wingspan of up to 10 feet.

We climbed higher, entering the section of road called Cuestra del Obispo, or Bishop's Slope, as Claudio translated it. This marvelously mischevious dirt strip includes 214 curves in only 20km. Sitting in the back of the van, our perspective swiveled constantly as we quickly wound our way higher into the mountains.

At the top of the climb we paused for pictures. The massive green slopes around us reminded me of both Scotland and Austria, though nothing prepared me for what we saw next in our first glimpse of Parque Nacional de los Cardones at 3290 meters.

There were no cacti involved in this first glimpse of the park, but living features were supplanted by an incredible geological display. A small valley lay below us, broken in the middle by uplifted rock layers that resembled books lying on their spines. Amidst the surrounding green, these books broke through with deep oranges and reds. To our left, a collection of small goblin-like rocks dotted the far side of the valley.

We drove on to where the park got its name -- a broad valley filled with more cacti in one place than any other in the world, except one in the US (Saguaro National Park, perhaps?)

Passing out of the valley, we got our first glimpse of Nevado de Cachi, a towering mountain that rose to a height of 6749 meters (over 22,400 feet). We pulled off in sight of the mountain at a small roadside stand selling all manner of dried goods. Claudio picked up a bag labeled muna and said simply, "Viagara. I use it myself."

Lacking a particular need for that, I instead bought dried apples, apricots, and what seemed to be giant rasins that tasted vaguely like licorice. We had little need for these snacks, though, as we soon pulled into our destination, the town of Cachi, which means salt in the native Quechua tounge.

"Try the goat," Claudio suggested.

We weren't quite sure what he was talking about, but we followed his gesture to a grill, where a man handed us each a forkful of brown meat. I curiously bit it off the fork, and my mouth danced with pleasure. The meat was tender, juicy, salty, and crispy all at once. It had a skin like duck but an intense flavor.

"Oh my god, I'm having this," Jessie cried.

"So much for the locro," I mused without disappointment.

The goat, it turned out, was served in unlimited portions, and I wrestled with a section of ribs as I washed the meat down with a giant bottle of Fanta. None of us could refuse a second helping, and we all wondered how America had neglected to cook up such a tasty animal.

"The Quechua must consider this a holy animal, because I'm having a religious experience," I announced. Time to add another animal to the list.

Stuffed, we wandered off through the cobbled streets of the town. Chris had run into a guy who had Spanglished with us in the hostel the previous day, so we headed off to his shop. In a small front room he displayed exquisite silver jewelry and paintings of the area, but he wanted to show Chris and I his trade.

The man handed Chris some wire and pieces of silver as he started a gas torch with a foot pump. Holding the silver, Chris looked more than a little confused. "This is the part of the story where Chris loses a finger," I joked.

Outside, we savored the sunlight and relative warmth as we all stripped off layers. I had spent pretty much the entire time since it got cold in Buenos Aires wearing four layers, including a fleece and a wool sweater, and still shivering. This was a welcome change, and Jessie exuberated in the liberty of wearing a t-shirt.

The way back followed the same road and was fairly uneventful, except for two odd sights. To satisfy some photographical desire of one of the Argentines, we stopped along the roadside where pimento peppers were drying and watched a dirt devil swirl in and sweep a number of the deep red peppers upwards.

Later, at a bathroom stop further down the valley, we spotted two black horses galloping down the road. For whatever reason, they were tied together at the neck and had their front legs bound. The ropes did little to slow them down, though, and their animal coordination was extraordinary as they navigated some kind of bizarre three-legged race.

That evening, back in Salta, we debated briefly before settling on a trip the next day to Humahuaca so we could see another UNESCO World Heritage site. Our quest for tamales sent us to El Rey de Bife, and while they were oddly out of tamales we enjoyed empanadas, tortillas, and humitas instead.

The evening ended with one final puzzling incident. I stopped in a pharmacy to buy a small pack of gum and handed the cashier 10 pesos (about $3.) He shook his head and indicated that he wanted smaller change. Legitimately having nothing smaller, I protested. He waved me away and told me just to take the gum.

"What was that all about?" I asked as we left.

"Monetas (coins) are so important here that people will literally rather give you something than give up change," Jessie replied.

"Are you serious?"

"People in Buenos Aires will save their monetas all week so they have enough bus fare."

This was another of the odd aftereffects of the peso crash six years ago. What was even more frustrating for us foreigners was that the ATMs only gave out 100 peso notes, and most places refused to change bills so large. Even the bank wouldn't break one. It became a game of adding up our separate tabs so we could get change in turn.

Note to World Tour Fans

Fans --

The Gordo World Tour team apologizes for the recent backlog in blogging. Rest assured, however, that the time spent not blogging was time spent collecting new stories. New entries should be up shortly. Here's a preview:

-- Learn what the Israel girl thinks of goat cheese
-- Find out what new critters get on Gordo's list of Animals Eaten Across the World
-- Hear tearful words from Sylvester Stallone (sort of)

As a further explanation, please note that World Tour blogging is limited by time and Internet Access. We apologize for any delays in getting your World Tour fix and look forward to providing you with the best Travelblog experience possible.

Sincerely,
The Gordo World Tour Team

Argentina.6: La Puna

Point of reference: Salta lies at 1100 meters above sea level, about 3600 feet. The highest point on the journey described below was 4080 meters, about 13,460 feet.

For the first time since I stepped off the plane in Buenos Aires, I sweated. Rarely has that ever been so exciting, but waking up in the nicely heated hostel room with a damp shirt was a treat, given how cold Argentina's cold snap was.

My warmth was short-lived, but for the best of reasons. We were about to depart for our first venture into the great Andes, the famed spine of South America, the mountain chain that produces those tasty creamy chocolate mints.

It wasn't even 6:30 when Jessie's cell phone alarm woke us up, but I hopped out of bed and dressed quickly, gathering the few things I wanted to take in a little bag. I walked into the courtyard to make sure Chris was up, brushed my teeth, and joined the others in the lobby for breakfast. Desayuno was remarkably good, a sweet croissant (medialuna) with some sweet coffee (Argentines like sweets almost as much as beef.)

The van pulled up soon after and collected the three of us, and we were off. We met our driver, Ceasar, our guide Eugenia (whose English was pretty good compared with what I've heard in this country), and the other passengers -- Marcus from Switzerland and three Argentine women whose names I could barely understand.

At a pit stop for snacks, Eugenia began to explain our tour, first in Spanish. Those who understood the native tounge listened intently, laughing at certain points while Chris and I sat silently. I listened as well, still pretending that I could gleam something from Spanish, but soon gave up.

Eugenia switched to English and told us that we were headed through the Lerma Valley, into the Del Toro Gorge, and climbing up to 4100 meters on our way towards the Salinas Grandes, the salt flats. "If that elevation is too much," she assured us, "Ceasar will give mouth-breathing to the girls and I will give it to the boys." Did we pay extra for this trip, I wondered?

The clouds cleared and the sun began to peek its head up as we drove out the valley, whizzing by trucks and bikes alike. We turned right on a dirt road and entered the Del Toro "gorge". As Eugenia explained herself, in Argentina "gorge" was used to describe any area between two mountains. Americans would much more likely call this a canyon.

My pondering over linguistic differences ended as I realized the lush vegitation around us had virtually disappeared and we were in scrub desert broken occaisionally by cacti. We were following the route of the Tren a las Nubes, the train to the clouds, which had broken down a year and a half ago with a full load of people at 4100 meters. The train was designed originally in 1921 by an American named Richard Maury or something like that.

To climb the incredible 3000 meters of its ascent into the clouds, the train needed a lot of "tyoonels" and "sweetchbacks," Eugenia told us as we paused on the side of the road for a closer look. I love funnily accented English, it makes me feel better about not understanding the native language.

We wound farther up the side of the canyon, passing numerous hoodoos, those eeriely thin canyon formations made famous by Zion National Park in the US. Above the Lerma Valley, the desert started at 1500 meters, where we entered the habitat of los cardones, the desert cacti that gave our hostel its name. Los cardones seem identical to the saguaro cactus of the Sonoran desert in the southwestern US and northern Mexico, but when I mentioned the name to Eugenia, she had never heard of it.

Presently the rocks took on an impressive palatte of colors. Deep purples, oranges, and blue-greens appeared in clearly defined layers. The colors come from various mineral oxides -- iron, silica, copper, and others. As we marveled, Eugenia brought out her mate gourd and began that curious tradition, pouring in sugar and tea leaves and adding hot water from a thermos.

She turned to us in the front row and asked, "Have you tried the mate?" I had attempted to get mate in a cafe, but it was just a tea bag, not the full setup I had seen so many times.

"Not really," I replied, accepting the small wooden cup and taking a sip. "Muchas gracias," I said as I handed it back.

"No, you're supposed to drink the entire thing before you give it back," Chris interrupted. His Lonely Planet-derived knowledge saved me from potential embarassment, and I quickly sucked down the rest of the cup, then handed it back. It was a hearty tea, similar to the strongest green teas, but made softer by the sugar Eugenia had added.

Mate is perhaps the most fascinating of Argentina's customs. It's pretty hard to compare it to anything in the US, because we have nothing so common and so addictive as this. Drinking the tea, which is a mild stimulant, cuts across class and ethnic lines in Argentina. Virtually everyone here totes around a small gourd to hold the tea, a filtering straw to drink out of, a supply of the ground yerba mate leaves, and a thermos of hot water refilled easily even at gas stations.

Argentines drink it like it's going out of style, but it's also a communal exercise. The gourd is usually passed back and forth, from husband to wife or among all guests if you're gathered at someone's house. It's not really served in restaurants, though, so Eugenia's generosity was my rare opportunity to sample this most Argentine of rituals.

The van passes more oddly colored rocks, including a ridge striped in dark brown and white like a marble bagel. We turn suddenly and begin to climb an arroyo, topping out at 3100 meters (10,200 feet.) The barren landscape changes -- here the rocks lying on the nearby slopes are bigger, owing to the constant freezing and unfreezing at this altitude.

We paused in the town of Santa Rosa de Tastil for a bathroom break and had our first taste of the intense winds tat the Andean desert can produce. What would have otherwise been a fairly nice day turned nearly insufferable due to the constant high winds. Jessie, Chris, and I waited in the lee of a small building until it was time to get back in the van.

We turned up a small dirt road just past the town and headed to the archaeological ruins from the Tastil Indians, who had lived here from 1336 to 1449, when their city seemed to get too big for the amount of water available. Looking at this beautifully desolate land, I marveled that anyone would want to live there at all.

Yet the Tastil Indians did create a community on a mountaintop where they could easily see invaders coming, and even managed to farm on nearby slopes, as we could see from rectangular shapes on the far side of the valley blow.

Back in the van, Eugenia produced a small bag of green leaves and began to explain the Andean tradition of chewing coca leaves. "The coca leaf is not a drug," she said. "It takes 250 grams of leaves to make one gram of cocaine, and you cannot do it without adding chemistry. It is like grapes are not wine."

Eugenia showed us how to break off the little stem and stick the coca leaves in our cheeks like chewing tobacco, only without the spitting. We each grabbed a pinch of leaves and shoved them up by our gums. Coca leaves, our guide explained, are very good for staving off the effects of altitude sickness. They're also a mild stimulant and good for digestion.

The cocal leaves didn't seem to do much for me, but at the same time I experienced few side effects of altitude, despite the fact that we were gaining 10,000 feet in one day. I did feel a bit lightheaded, and Jessie dozed off briefly. Later, on the return trip, I found myself unable to fight off fatigue and fell asleep myself.

We had entered la puna -- the cold desert. Above 3500 meters, los cardones do not grow, and the desert is broad and rolling, with little but some scrub grasses to break the landscape. The winds grew more and more fierce as we passed the Abro Blanco, a high point on the road at 4080 meters -- a whopping 13,440 feet. I had never been so high in my life.

We were cruising down the National Road 40, the longest and highest road in the world, stretching the spine of the Andes. For being such an important road, it was dusty and rutted. Sand blew everywhere -- these were the famed viento blancos, or white winds, according to Eugenia.

After an hour of driving across la puna, we came upon the small mining town of San Antonio de Los Cobres. This quiet town was the site of a new government housing project, but still boasted little other than a stop on the Train to the Clouds.

We pulled up to a restaurant and ducked in out of the howling winds. Meat was the order of the day again, and Chris, Jessie, and I pulled off the trifecta -- bife, stew, and a milanese napolitano. The food was actually quite good and for a place that took in vanloads of tourists, pretty cheap at 17 pesos each.

Chris and I ventured into the town to experience the white winds for ourselves and quickly learned why they were so infamous. Dust and small rocks swirled everywhere, pelting us from all sides. Without a hood, I often had to hold my hands up to protect my head. On a side street, schoolchildren huddled under a blanket and squealed as the winds gusted. Clearly not even the natives were accustomed to this ferocity.

Back in the restaurant, we learned some bad news. The winds were so bad that we would be unable to continue the trip to the salt flats and had to turn around. I was too blown away by what I had already seen of la puna to be disappointed.

Most of us slept on and off on the way back. We stopped at Abro Blanco for pictures and did our best not to get blown over in what must have been 80-plus mph winds. It made for funny pictures, but Eugenia gestured at us to get back in the van, fearing that Chris and I might get blown into a nearby gully.

Back in Salta, we used our 30-peso refunds towards the next day's trip to Cachi and headed off to warm places. We hopped from cafe to cafe, having drinks and munching on empanadas. The evening ended at a locals' bar where men watched Boca, the most popular Argentine soccer club, play a team from Colombia. Cerveza and empanadas filled us up enough to warrant skipping dinner, and we turned in to the hostel early, preparing for another morning.