Gordo's Getting Screwed!

Fans, with a headline like that, you know it's gonna be good. Well, okay, it's actually bad. But I still needed an attention grabber.

So the latest update on the World Tour-turned-stay-put-until-you-are-healed: it's time to get sliced and diced. Yep, the prognosis has gotten worse, and I'm going under the knife like so much tenderloin. (Mmm...tenderloin.)

If you want the medical mumbo jumbo, the deal is that my something-something, which is between the tibia and fibula (leg bones) is a bit displaced, i.e., spread apart. That kind of thing apparently is not so good for someone that still wants to spend the rest of their life running, hiking, skiing, and otherwise engaging in physical foolishness.

Thus the good doctors would like to make a wee cut or two and insert a screw to push the bones back together, then possibly stitch up some damaged ligaments. Fun? I think so. Hopefully that will not result in further displacement of the fracture in the fibula, but if it does, it's time for the World Tour to go bionic with some metal parts.

Of course, the important question is, will this result in badass scars that chicks will dig? Sadly, it sounds like the answer is no. Due to "advancements" in "surgical technologies," this apparently will only require small incisions. Post-op, though, it will require more crutching and physical therapy, which I hope will involve a "Rocky"-type soundtrack.

Though many of you doubtless would like to help, be aware that El Padre y La Madre del Gordo are here in Hippietown to guide me through this enjoyable process. For those who don't know, I am part of a very appropriately outfitted family: my dad is an orthopedic surgeon, my mom is a nurse, and my brother runs a medical products supply company. (Let me know if you need some cheap Depends.)

At the same time, the end of the semester is upon me and I must try to actually pass some classes. So in between World Tour Updates, I have to write papers and such. No worries, I just pull them out of my still-uninjured arse.

I must say that people have been remarkably nice and helpful during this situation, so I am going to increase the size of the People Who Deserve at Least Some Good Karma Coming Their Way list:

-- Dr. Lisa Brone at the CU Health Center, who didn't wiggle the foot too badly
-- Dr. Eric McCarty of CU Sports Medicine, who took a look at me at his house on a Saturday morning and gave the bad news
-- El Padre y La Madre, who are taking care of my quasi-helpless self for the first time since I learned to wipe my own bottom about five, I mean twenty-five, years ago
-- Jeff Sherer, who reconsidered some of his other ideas for entertaining me from afar and instead got me a NetFlix subscription
-- Mike Gerber, my editor
-- Kristen Averyt, who is going to at some point lend me her ridiculously cute dog so I can pull off the ultimate method of getting ladies' attention: crutches AND puppy

Do note, however, that the Gordo World Tour refuses to be kept in one place. This winter will include stops in Scottsdale, Arizona and (hopefully at least just to sit there) Vail, Colorado.

And what better way to celebrate a likely healed leg? BON JOVI, March 31st, Pepsi Center, Denver, Colorado.

On a final note, fans, I want to get serious for a second and say that I have a newfound respect for people who go through life with various disabilities, both temporary and permanent. Having to walk and crutches and rely on the good graces of friends and family reminds me not only how lucky I am to have them around but also shows me how difficult things can be. So a hearty World Tour salute to all the invalids out there -- I see your strength and I give you a fist pound.

At some point I'll try to post some x-rays, but the CD-ROM is on the other side of the room and that's pretty damn far, all things considered.